A general search on the topic of biblically grounded divorce yields a trifecta of “A’s:” abuse, adultery, and abandonment. If one’s spouse has been violent, has been fooling around sexually, or has simply left the marriage emotionally, and is unrepentant or unwilling to see a counselor, the other party has a good reason to file for divorce.
Society generally thinks of hitting, punching, burning with cigarettes, etc. as “abuse,” but there are other forms, which include emotional manipulation, control, even emotional violence.
These methods are sometimes subtle — yelling and name-calling are obvious ways to hurt someone emotionally, but one can also control food and money, isolate a spouse from friends and family, give his or her spouse the silent treatment, or undermine her authority with the children. He can call her pet names or refuse to name her at all.
She can leave the room when her husband disagrees or “jokingly” insults him in front of others. There are many unexpected methods of chipping away at a sense of worth and security in the marriage. Adultery takes multiple forms also. There is the obvious “sleeping around” with multiple partners or prostitutes. One might engage in a long-term affair or outright bigamy.
Emotional adultery involves engagement in a profound friendship, which does not become physical, but in which the spouse is more emotionally invested with a friend than with his or her spouse. Adultery can also involve the use of pornography or “sexting.”
Finally, abandonment is not straightforward either. There is a physical abandonment in which one party literally leaves the other. With emotional abandonment, one spouse stops communicating with the other. They could live in the same house and yet feel completely separate. Clearly, there is overlap between some categories.
A husband engaging in an emotional affair with a co-worker; who is grumpy whenever his wife is around but lights up when he talks to other people on the phone; a man who unrepentantly neglects his wife and leaves the room when she tries to raise their issues: he has abandoned her, abused her and committed adultery simultaneously.
Matthew 19:9. Now I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another commits adultery.”
Malachi 2:16. “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and the one who is guilty of violence,” says the LORD who rules over all. “Pay attention to your conscience, and do not be unfaithful.”
1 Corinthians 7:15. But if the unbeliever wants a divorce, let it take place. In these circumstances, the brother or sister is not bound. God has called you in peace.
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